Sorry Folks!

This week's blog is being postponed to deal with a bit of Crazy. I normally don't tolerate Crazy but it had found me and was leaving nasty comments because of a personal problem that Crazy has with someone who is only tangentially related to me. I actually can't be too mad as this particular individual is working with a lot of misinformation but that shouldn't spill over to a blog about food. I  have changed a few settings so people reading this blog do not have to be bothered with nonsense that does not relate to the topic at hand. I apologize for the delay in the next item as it was something someone commissioned. An update will be forthcoming.

Nero has some Boocake on his face.

Black Betty Q Correspondent Nero had a birthday two days after mine recently. We had all made the pilgrimage to the Mecca for all Fatness (Texas De Brazil) to celebrate life in the best way we new how, which was by consuming vast amounts of dead things. Our dear friend, who will only  be identified as Nancy for some reason or other got on the topic of Bukkake. If you do not know what it is, Feel free to google it *Disclaimer* Black Betty Q does not take responsibility for what you may see or hear while googling things under their recommendation. Please make sure all links you click on are in compliance with your local laws and Geneva Convention.*Disclaimer Over*For those of you who A) don't speak Japanese or B) Have never spent any time of 4chan, The word is pronounced Boo-cock-ee (no comments from the peanut gallery please). Nancy, however, was thrilled to regale us with tales of his explicit interest in Boo-Cake. Indeed, one would wonder how Nancy had time for anything else with all of the Boo-Cake in his life. This conversation didn't end until 3 am in a White Castles where more Black Betty Q Correspondents were designing machines with at least 4 inches of throw for the...ahem...specialty crowd. Seriously, check the bathroom wall in the White Castle at Hoffman Estates. You'll find Schematics for a device that will end up being the beginnings of Skynet if Japan gets their hands on it Now what does this have to do with Nero and Cake? I honestly can't remember. However, in honor of his birthday, we present you with Boo-cake.

BooCake

Things Needed:

Box of Cake mix of your choice. We used Red Velvet.

1 box of pudding of your choice (but it would make sense if it were a pudding that semi-matched your cake mix.). We used Devil's Food.

4 eggs

1 1/2 cups of water

2/3 cup of oil

Creamy Center: 8 ounces of cream cheese, 1/2 cup of sugar, 2 eggs

1 can of Cream Cheese Frosting

Step 1: Empty the cake mix and the pudding mix in the bowl. Do not follow the instructions on the back of the cake mix. Adding the pudding mix alters everything and it will come out much thicker than necessary.

Step 2: Add 4 eggs.

Step 3: Add the oil and water.

Step 5: Find some sucker to whisk that for you if you don't have a mixer handy. If your cake doesn't look like tasty murder, you're doing it wrong.

Step 6. Oil your desired pan. This is important. You do not have to use a Bundt pan like we did but make sure whatever you are using is deep enough for the creamy filling layer.

Step 7: Realize there is a cat licking the tasty butter flavored pam and olive oil out of the bundt pan. Wash pan and start over.

Step 8: Put in the first layer of  cake batter. We used roughly 1/3 of the total mix here.

Step 9: Forget to take pictures of the creamy filling step and only realize it when posting a blog. For this step, mix together the cream cheese, eggs and sugar. We tossed ours in the blender. It should come out white, creamy, frothy, and delicious. Nancy is in heaven. Add delightful mixture on top of the first layer. It's ok if a little mixing happens

 

 Step 10: Start adding last layer of cake batter when someone suddenly realizes that this cake would be more awesome with chocolate chips in the cheesecake layer.

Step 11: Grudgingly add chocolate chips and push them into the batter. It's probably easier to just put them in the cheesecake batter while mixing it up but this method leaves you with a case of tasty finger.

Step 12: Cover top layer as much as you can with cake batter (again)

Step 13: Bake this bad boy at 350. It took one and a half episodes of Red Dwarf before a knife came out clean ( or in non geek terms, roughly 45 minutes) Cooking time will vary depending on oven so keep an eye on it. Nothing is worse than overcooked BooCake.

Step 14: Remove from Bundt  pan.

Step 15: We coated ours with candy bar glaze (yes we have milky ways melted down just handy and ready to go for glazing emergencies. We keep it in a frosting can.) This step is not necessary. We just like sugar.  If you don't feel like melting down milky ways, any melted frosting or sugar substance will do.

Step Most important: Heat Cream Cheese Frosting from the can just enough to get it melty. Put cake on something that can be thrown away and fling frosting and great distances. Anyone who misses must drink a woodchuck. If you aren't that adventurous, I suppose just drizzling will do. However, I should point out that in True Bukkake Spirit, it's only authentic if the frosting has flown through the air at great velocities.

The end product should look similar to this. Next time, we will probably double the cheesecake layer for double our pleasure. *NOTE* This cake is good first day but this cake is AMAZING after being refrigerated overnight. People were shoving Boocake in their mouths left and right the next day. *Disclaimer* We here at Black Betty Q are not responsible for anyone choking on Boocake.

If you folks will excuse me, I'm off to prepare The Son of Boo-Cake (Fudge Tunnel)

Woodchuckpenadas With Woodchuck Apple Drizzle

We here at Black Betty Q have made Woodchuck Hard Cider our official drink. We regularly sacrifice our livers to the great WoodChuck gods in the sky. This is why we were excited when Woodchuck put out a limited edition release called "Spring". Only problem was, it tasted like ass, and not the good ass either. We're talking about the kind of ass that makes you want to cut your tongue out. The concept behind this Chuck was that it added a *hint* of Maple syrup. Hint was the understatement of the year as it was more like having your tongue raped by a maple tree (Oh God, the Splinters!). So, this particular Chuck sat in the fridge for a while. We here at Black Betty Q hate wasting alcohol so we devised a way for it to be used and consumed in a way that didn't make us want to flash fry a forest.
*Disclaimer- our first attempt is not exciting to look at but I assure you that based on the level of drunkenness and fried pie consumption going on that these are delicious and dangerous in the hands of people who's sobriety is questionable. Injuries include: Flaming Hot Pie Mouth Burns and Concussion (pretty sure someone just fell off of my back porch which isn't all that related to pie but we here at Black Betty Q aren't going to be responsible for other drunken idiots on the Internet).

Woodchuckpenadas (Like apple empanadas except chuckier)

 Items Needed:

1. Apples: We used both real apples and then some apple pie in a can once we realized we didn't have enough real apples.

2. Butter: 1 stick

3. Woodchuck: Whatever amount you're willing to part with. At least one bottle was used in the making of this recipe but it's possibly as many as three. I can't quite recall.  I suppose any hard cider would do but really now, why mess up this glorious recipe with any old hard cider?

4. Pie crusts: We cheated. I didn't feel like making dough from scratch so we got pie crusts instead.

5. Brown Sugar: Lots (we don't actually measure much around here)

 Step 1: Toss the stick of butter in a pan and lots of brown sugar.

 Step 2: Once that gets going, Add Woodchuck. We added nearly a whole bottle at this point.

 Step 3: Whisk Whisk Whisk. Also, take a drink of Woodchuck.

 Take a drink here too.

 Keep up a good pace to ensure everything dissolves properly. If you have not drank an entire bottle of woodchuck at this point, you have to finish the bottle you're on AND start a new bottle. This relates to the cooking experience, I assure you. Once you are sure everything is dissolved, remove half of whatever mixture you have and set aside to make dipping sauce later. The other half is used in the next step.

 Step 4: Add Apples. Are you still drinking?

 The apples will need to cook in this mixture for a while to soften up. Add more woodchuck if the mixture thickens too much. Drink More woodchuck to pass the time. There's a lot of woodchuck in this step. We were on carton number 2 if I recall. I would estimate half another bottle went in the mixture above over the course of a half hour. The other 5.5 bottles went in us.

 Step Weeeeeeeeeee: Once you are assured that the apples are soft, remove from heat. Set aside.

 Step 7: This part was tricky for me because my motor skills were suffering at this point. Take some of the dough and roll it out just big enough for a few apples to fit in once it's folded over. If your dough is sticky, keep a bowl of flour handy dust the dough in.

 Step 8: Add Apples. I stupidly did this when the apples where still amazingly hot. Don't do this. Let the mixture cool. It will be easier to handle and it won't melt out of the sides.

 Step 9: Roll the dough over and crimp the edges. Yet again, I inexplicably was suffering from fine motor skills fail so these are not as pretty as they could have been. To compensate for this, we drank more woodchuck.

 Yet another Ugly Pie. At this point, we were highly worried about whether they would hold up in the fryer.

 Step...something: Toss these bad boys in a fryer. Do not take out too early. They will brown on the outside well before they are done on the inside. It appeared to take roughly 3 minutes total at a heat of 375 f. That being said, time was getting kind of relative to woodchuck at that point.

 Steppity Steppity: Roll in Sugar while it's still hot. We cheated and tossed a bunch of sugar in a bag and then threw the pies in and shook the whole works up.

 Last step: Drizzle with sauce.  We also have a sauce that was made with the sauce from above mixed with cream cheese but it appears to be missing and possibly consumed so no picture of that sadly.

 The Sugar/Alcohol/Carb Count on these is pretty darned detrimental to the health of anything human so eat at your own risk. If you folks will excuse me, I'm off to learn how to play something called quarters.

Gourmet Pizza Roll Lasagna or as it's known here, Midnight Snack

Disclaimer: This recipe has more calories per serving than most people need for a whole day's intake. Also, we are using the term Lasagna in the loosest, greasiest, and most horrible sense. There is not an actual noodle in this recipe. The people who created this sold their souls to the great Bacon Gods several years back.

Have you ever been awake and craving fatness at midnight and you knew pizza just wasn't going to cut it? Assuming you aren't already too weak from not having eaten something that should be banned from existence in the past 24 hours, we have a recipe for you. It takes about 20 minutes from start to finish if no alcohol is involved and is a crowd pleaser. Of course, if you're reading this blog, there is an excellent chance that crowds frighten and confuse you and you haven't left the basement since Portal 2 came out.

Pizza Roll Lasagna

 I have to tell the truth. Pictured above is a miniature version that was made solely for one person and not a crowd. You, of course, can make as little or as much as you want. Normally this recipe is done for a 9x13 pan. For bigger crowds, try a roasting pan. For Fat Bitch Days(TM), get an oil drum and have at it.

Ingredients

Several Bags of Pizza Rolls

Spaghetti or Pizza Sauce (Do not go with too thin of a sauce)

Cheese, lots and lots of Cheese

Sausage (I use regular roll sausage)

Veggies you are willing to put in a Pizza(Can be substituted for more Meat)

Pepperoni
Knife (For stabbing Pizza Roll thieves in the hand)

Step one: Cook your pizza rolls.

I prefer tossing mine in the deep fat fryer but if you feel the need to be healthy, baking probably works too.

Step 2: Cook Various Meat Substances (and veggies if you are so inclined)

Pictured above: Sausage, Chorizo, Mushrooms, Onions

End result should look a bit like:

Step 3: Layers and Layers

In reality, this should have been packed with more pizza rolls for the bottom layer but they were suffering heavy casualties from the kitchen help. There is no real secret here to doing this.

Layer Sauce, More Cheese, Pepperoni

Layer Cheese on top of Pepperoni and now the Meat Mixture

Layer More Sauce, More Cheese, More Pizza Rolls

Rinse and Repeat until you feel you have enough layers. Make the top layer the same as you would any pizza with all of your favorite toppings. 

This recipe is fantastic as leftovers as well. Once cold, this can be cut into squares, battered, and deep fried, making for a satisfying precursor to a fatattack later. Now if you folks will excuse me, I have to make more brownies so I can actually do the Pancreas Sucker Punch Trifle Blog as the kitchen help have eaten them all.

Pancreas Sucker Punch Brownies

There are many variations of this recipe online. We here at Fatassery R' Us have decided to go with the classic version. However, do not let that deter you from your inner fatass.

Disclaimer- This recipe is for educational purposes only. Do not attempt if you are not legally responsible for your own actions yet.

Pancreas Sucker Punch Brownies

 You will need:

1. One bag of Oreo cookies (or whatever cookie you'd like really)
2. Your favorite sort of chocolate (for melting)
3. Cookie Dough (any flavor you'd like)
4. Brownie Mix

 

Step One: Melt the Chocolate. This isn't terribly complicated. Use a double boiler. If you haven't heard of or own a double boiler, Fill one pot up with water and stick a smaller pot inside of it.Or, even easier, put a heat safe bowl on top of a simmering pot.Stick it on the stove at whatever heat you feel comfortable dealing with.  Put the chocolate in the smaller pot/bowl/whatever and voila-You have melting chocolate without worry of scorching. If that's too many steps for you, try carefully melting in the microwave or leaving a bag of chocolate in the window of your car. For those of you who prefer a smoother chocolate, mix with a little heavy whipping cream. We really don't measure things around here but for this particular batch, we used half of a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips.

Step two: Coat your Oreos in Chocolate.

Prepare for your oreos to suffer heavy casualties due to snacking. Save at least 12 for the recipe. I personally only coat the top half of the cookie and leave the bottom clear of chocolate because I don't feel like prying it from the wax paper/plate/whatever. Stick cookies in the freezer while you prepare the cookie dough. I have no idea if the freezer step can be skipped or not. I do it because I do not want to encourage the cookie dough to spread once it goes around the oreo.

Step Three: Cookie Dough
This one is pretty easy. Either make your own or buy some cookie dough. Try to keep it as cold as possible. This will prevent the dough from spreading wildly during baking.

Step 4: Wrap Oreos in Cookie Dough

Cover the whole chocolate covered oreo in the cookie dough, even the bottom. It should look like a giant ball of delicious, delicious, and extra delicious cookie dough when finished.


Stick all 12 of your oreo cookie balls in the freezer. Pre-heat oven to 350
.

Step Five: Bake the Cookie Balls
This should take roughly 14-16 minutes. Undercooked makes the cookies too hard to handle and overcooked is just a crime against humanity.


Step Six: Chase the kitchen help around because they have made off with three of your cookies. Stick the remaining cookies back in the freezer for a bit.

Step Seven: Force the kitchen help to make brownie batter to atone for their sins. This can be any batter you'd like. Box, Home-made, "Special" Brownie, Whatever.

Step Eight: Brownie Batter Time
Grease/Spray with Pam/Lubricant of your choice (We don't judge in our kitchen) a 9 by 13 pan. Pour enough brownie batter to cover the bottom of the pan. Arrange whatever is left of your cookies in the pan.

If you want to trim away the excess cookie and just put the covered oreo part in, that's fine but it only works if you have enough cookies to do the whole pan with. We seem to have a problem with that in our kitchen so we leave the cookies untrimmed.
Use the remaining brownie batter to cover the rest of the cookies.

Step Nine: If you were smart, you realized you would need the oven again and left it on. Bake for roughly 35 minutes OR until an inserted knife comes out clean. Every oven is different so times may vary. It should look like this when done:


Step 10: Coat in more chocolate if desired. Cool and Serve.

Step 11: Save some to be turned into Pancreas Punch Trifle which will be featured next week.

If you folks will excuse me, It's time for me to do anything other than eat these (as the sugar content is likely to be 90 times my daily limit).