Woodchuckpenadas With Woodchuck Apple Drizzle

We here at Black Betty Q have made Woodchuck Hard Cider our official drink. We regularly sacrifice our livers to the great WoodChuck gods in the sky. This is why we were excited when Woodchuck put out a limited edition release called "Spring". Only problem was, it tasted like ass, and not the good ass either. We're talking about the kind of ass that makes you want to cut your tongue out. The concept behind this Chuck was that it added a *hint* of Maple syrup. Hint was the understatement of the year as it was more like having your tongue raped by a maple tree (Oh God, the Splinters!). So, this particular Chuck sat in the fridge for a while. We here at Black Betty Q hate wasting alcohol so we devised a way for it to be used and consumed in a way that didn't make us want to flash fry a forest.
*Disclaimer- our first attempt is not exciting to look at but I assure you that based on the level of drunkenness and fried pie consumption going on that these are delicious and dangerous in the hands of people who's sobriety is questionable. Injuries include: Flaming Hot Pie Mouth Burns and Concussion (pretty sure someone just fell off of my back porch which isn't all that related to pie but we here at Black Betty Q aren't going to be responsible for other drunken idiots on the Internet).

Woodchuckpenadas (Like apple empanadas except chuckier)

 Items Needed:

1. Apples: We used both real apples and then some apple pie in a can once we realized we didn't have enough real apples.

2. Butter: 1 stick

3. Woodchuck: Whatever amount you're willing to part with. At least one bottle was used in the making of this recipe but it's possibly as many as three. I can't quite recall.  I suppose any hard cider would do but really now, why mess up this glorious recipe with any old hard cider?

4. Pie crusts: We cheated. I didn't feel like making dough from scratch so we got pie crusts instead.

5. Brown Sugar: Lots (we don't actually measure much around here)

 Step 1: Toss the stick of butter in a pan and lots of brown sugar.

 Step 2: Once that gets going, Add Woodchuck. We added nearly a whole bottle at this point.

 Step 3: Whisk Whisk Whisk. Also, take a drink of Woodchuck.

 Take a drink here too.

 Keep up a good pace to ensure everything dissolves properly. If you have not drank an entire bottle of woodchuck at this point, you have to finish the bottle you're on AND start a new bottle. This relates to the cooking experience, I assure you. Once you are sure everything is dissolved, remove half of whatever mixture you have and set aside to make dipping sauce later. The other half is used in the next step.

 Step 4: Add Apples. Are you still drinking?

 The apples will need to cook in this mixture for a while to soften up. Add more woodchuck if the mixture thickens too much. Drink More woodchuck to pass the time. There's a lot of woodchuck in this step. We were on carton number 2 if I recall. I would estimate half another bottle went in the mixture above over the course of a half hour. The other 5.5 bottles went in us.

 Step Weeeeeeeeeee: Once you are assured that the apples are soft, remove from heat. Set aside.

 Step 7: This part was tricky for me because my motor skills were suffering at this point. Take some of the dough and roll it out just big enough for a few apples to fit in once it's folded over. If your dough is sticky, keep a bowl of flour handy dust the dough in.

 Step 8: Add Apples. I stupidly did this when the apples where still amazingly hot. Don't do this. Let the mixture cool. It will be easier to handle and it won't melt out of the sides.

 Step 9: Roll the dough over and crimp the edges. Yet again, I inexplicably was suffering from fine motor skills fail so these are not as pretty as they could have been. To compensate for this, we drank more woodchuck.

 Yet another Ugly Pie. At this point, we were highly worried about whether they would hold up in the fryer.

 Step...something: Toss these bad boys in a fryer. Do not take out too early. They will brown on the outside well before they are done on the inside. It appeared to take roughly 3 minutes total at a heat of 375 f. That being said, time was getting kind of relative to woodchuck at that point.

 Steppity Steppity: Roll in Sugar while it's still hot. We cheated and tossed a bunch of sugar in a bag and then threw the pies in and shook the whole works up.

 Last step: Drizzle with sauce.  We also have a sauce that was made with the sauce from above mixed with cream cheese but it appears to be missing and possibly consumed so no picture of that sadly.

 The Sugar/Alcohol/Carb Count on these is pretty darned detrimental to the health of anything human so eat at your own risk. If you folks will excuse me, I'm off to learn how to play something called quarters.